A wash of emotions

Long forgotten things suddenly force their way into my mind with unexplained urgency. My mood changes slowly. The atmosphere seems to get a light wash of a different colour. First the thought comes back from the past. Then it drags me back there from the present. But this time the wash is not on a plain white wall. It is on top of a colour. The effect is different.

I haven’t bothered myself with guys for a long time now. Today unexpectedly I got the feeling that this certain guy has a soft corner for me but is shy about it. In the past I used to find it kind of cute and felt a little sorry for the guy. If he seemed decent enough, I would try to put him at ease and make myself approachable. Many a good friendship started this way. Then as time passed, if any guy sent such vibes, I stopped even registering it in my mind. Now when this guy seems to want to be more friendly but has some reservations, those days came back. I don’t know why. All those reactions, the notions, the uncertainties came back. Where it changed was the underlying feeling. It used to be a sweet and exciting sensation. And I definitely felt it this time. But it was just for a moment, after which it was replaced by a more unsavory impression. I found myself thinking what a waste of emotional energy such a repressive attitude can be. Why do guys behave in this immature and insecure way? Not only do they undergo this needless agony, but I too have to put up with their abnormal behaviour. Worst of all is that I have to pretend not to know when I very well do …and I was quite taken aback with my own thoughts. I never knew time could take away the gloss and shine of even such blameless episodes. Every human act sooner or later seems to be stripped bare of the clothing that our emotions and sentiments drape it with. Sooner for some than others.

Five years back I worried myself to death over my friend Shakti (name changed). I didn’t know what the boy would do with his life if he went on wearing his heart on his sleeve. Now I don’t worry much for him. I know he will survive and survive very well. Perhaps not in the way I wished he would, but now I know there are different ways and perceptions of success and ways to succeed. Things always turn out alright eventually. Previously my affection for Shakti was covered with sentiments and notions of friendship which made me worry myself to distraction, or go wild with rage at him or go dizzy with joy for him. Now all that has worn off and just my sincere feelings remain. Now my emotional graph is steady.

But that doesn’t mean it is universally steady. No, it is an individual thing. A different graph for each relationship, or even each object or phenomenon in my life. With some, the graph starts off very unsteady, fluctuating madly then slowly evens off. With others, it starts as a cool, unresponsive low line that steadily builds up as time passes, and crests and troughs start asserting themselves. Some graphs have phases of both patterns. But the past always plays some influence on these ups and downs, sometimes subtly, sometimes more pronounced.

With this shy guy, it definitely is more pronounced.